Because every loss has different factors involved and because we are
unique individuals with many different thoughts and feelings, the journey
through grief is not the same for everyone. Nor is it the same with
each loss we have in our lives. It might be comforting for you to know
that there is no right way or wrong way to grieve.
In the book ”On Death and Dying” Elisabeth Kubler-Ross MD,
explores the five stages of grief. It is important when we look at these
stages that we know that a person may or may not experience all of these
stages on their grief journey. That they may bounce back and forth through
the various stages. It is most important to remember there is no set
time frame for their grief journey. If fact once a person has experienced
grief, they will always have times in their lives that they will feel
the pain of their loss.
Denial
This usually is the initial reaction we have when
we are informed that a loved one is dying or has died, that a divorce
is occurring, or any
relationship being broken. There is a feeling of shock and you may say “No
this isn’t happening”…..”there has to be a mistake.” Even
during a long term illness when we know a loved one is dying, many will
deny they are really gone. “It can’t be….this has to
be a bad dream.” Many people describe a feeling of numbness or
not being able to feel anything at all. During this time a person has
difficulty hearing what is being said to them; so facts and information
may need to be repeated.
Anger
Anger is a feeling that can come
when we lest expect it, and can even be directed at anyone, justly
or unjustly. Displaced
anger can be directed at clergy, family members, doctors, funeral directors,
friends, court system, and even God. Sometimes intense anger manifest
into a rage. Some bereaved become angry with the deceased, especially
when a sudden heart attack occurs, a suicide death, or accidental death
that the deceased was at fault for. Sometimes the deep anger at the church
and God will forever separate them from their faith. They may say “if
this is what a loving God is, I don’t want to have any part of
God.”
Bargaing Guilt
This is a time of reasoning with oneself about the loss and trying to
strike deals with God. You also, may feel real or unrealistic guilt.
Saying “if only I had…”.
Guilt exists when someone suddenly dies and unresolved issues between
you and the loved one who has died had not been able to be expressed
and resolved. The weight of this guilt can only be lifted when you are
able to forgive yourself and the deceased. Guilt weighs heavily on you
when a relationship is broken and you find that you might have been at
fault for the separation or divorce or broken relationship. Unrealistic
guilt occurs in many ways, an example is when you feel like your actions
caused the death or divorce, when in reality there was nothing that you
did to cause the loss. Sometimes you feel guilty because you are alive
while your loved one has died. It should have been me not them.
Depression
Depression occurs as time goes on and you still feel the intense pain
of your loss, even despair. You begin to isolate yourself from others.
It becomes difficult to get out of bed each day, simple tasks become
overwhelming. Consuming thoughts that say “I will never feel good
again.” If one is experiencing prolonged periods of depression
they may begin to even have suicidal thoughts. Also alcohol and drug
usage can become a serious problem for some. Recognizing the seriousness
of prolonged depression is very important. With intense feelings of
despair or hopelessness you may need some professional help to walk
through this
time of grief.
Acceptance
Acceptance is usually when you began to have a sense of peace in your
life about your loss. You are able to accept the reality of your love
ones death or the finality of the divorce. You will always have times
in your life that you will remember and feel the pain of your loss, but
your every thought is not consumed with thinking of your loved one. You
have been able to resolve or let go of certain concerns or issues surrounding
you loss. You begin to enjoy life again and begin to increase your daily
activity level.
