No understanding of what death or
dying is or what divorce means.
Separation fears.
Searching for the person they have lost.
Helpful Responses
Keep their routines as close to the same as it was before the
death or divorce.
They need a lot of physical holding & comfort from
someone that loves them.
Caregivers need patience when they are expressing their
grief reactions.
2 Years - 5 Years
Understanding
Difficulty in understanding the permanency
of death or a divorce.
They have magical thinking, believing that they
have the ability or power to cause the death or
divorce.
If they believe that they caused the divorce or
death, then they often think that they can fix
the death or divorce.
They can believe that their loss is a
punishment for something they did wrong.
Afraid to go to sleep, thinking that
they may die or someone may leave them in
their sleep.
May believe that dead people “live” in the ground
or “live” in heaven and that they should be able
to
go visit them there.
Helpful Responses
All of the above responses
Explain death or divorce in simple terms, always
being honest when explaining.
Use the words “death” & “died” instead
of the words “gone to sleep”, “gone
away”,”passed away” or “lost”
Answer their repetitive questions concerning the
loss, they need to hear the answers over & over.
If they are having nightmares, they maybe expressing
some of their fears in their dreams when unable to
express them when they are awake. So holding them
gives them a sense of safety.
6 Years– 11 Years
Understanding
The reality of a death or divorce is difficult
for them to believe that this is happening to them,
but they realize that it is possible.
They have concerns about how someone
died & the physical aspects of the death.
Wanting some details of what happens to their
loved one at the funeral home.
Desire to understand about judges, and what
court procedures & terminology means when
their parents are divorcing.
Concerns about what will happen to them if
their living caregiver should die.
Believe that they caused the death or divorce.
Believe that they can fix things concerning the
death or divorce.
Helpful Responses
All of the above responses from 2-5 years.
Explain death or divorce in relationship to the questions
concerning their loss. Givin honest explanations.
It is important for them to attend the funeral or
memorial services in a death loss. They need to
experience this with the whole family. (if the
child doesn't want to attend, explore any fears
concerning the services & if still don't want to
attend, abide by their wishes.)
Listen to the things they are saying, giving them
permission to express their feelings.
Be aware that their grief responses may not make
any sense to you or them.
Keep your expectations for their school grades
realistic, realizing they are grieving.
They need meaningful ways to remember & memorialize
when someone dies.
12 Years– 19 Years
Understanding
They usually have the ability to understand a death or divorce loss
cognitively like adults.
They may have feelings that they need to take on the responsibility
of the person that has died or left them.
Strong need to understand death & afterlife; question God’s
existence.
They tend to believe that their parents divorce has destroyed their
lives forever.
Helpful Responses
All the helpful responses from previous
age groups.
Give them permission to still be their age, that
you don’t expect them to take on adult responsibilities.
Any self-destructive behavior that may arise, address
it immediately, don’t avoid it, hoping that
it will go away. (get professional help)
Listen to what they are saying, when they decide
to talk with you. Even if their timing is not good
for you.
Avoid any power struggles that could occur.
If they don’t want to talk to you, find someone
who is trustworthy for them to talk with. (grandparents,
a pastor, counselor, etc.)
